196 pounds!
I could tell I was getting fatter this week but I had no idea it was this much...
I can't even express how indescribably good I feel right now.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
10 May 2009
So I'm back to actively gaining after a few weeks of...well...not much.
After all I've eaten the last few days, I do believe I will be up to 193 lbs by tomorrow. I feel the familiar itch that says my belly is swelling again...
The plan now is to keep the momentum going, to consistently overeat by at least 500 calories every day. I'm planning to gain a pound a week (modest but much more do-able than a dramatically fast gain). Recently I've discovered McDonald's chocolate shakes. 1200 cals of fat and sugar for about three dollars...who could ask for more?
I've given it a lot of thought and have decided to aim for 250 lbs. I've looked at pictures of other guys about my height and think the ones who are around 250 are what I want to look like: chunky all over with a big round belly.
Even though right now I'm fatter than I've ever been in my life, I feel so skinny.
When I run my hands over my belly, I can feel how much more solid it's getting, how it's starting to rest on the tops of my thighs when I sit, and how it's really starting to make itself known when I try to bend over to pick stuff up...but still, I try to imagine what it's going to be like, what my whole body's going to be like, after I gain more than 50 pounds.
A very long time ago, in my early twenties, I weighed about 130 lbs. I can see the incredible diffrerence putting on that first fifty pounds has made (people who knew me in college don't recognize me now). I know the next fifty is going to be equally dramatic. I am simultaneously very excited thinking about this but also, somewhere very deep inside of me feels that this is just so *right*. The heavier I get, the more I feel like I'm becoming what I was supposed to be all along...
After all I've eaten the last few days, I do believe I will be up to 193 lbs by tomorrow. I feel the familiar itch that says my belly is swelling again...
The plan now is to keep the momentum going, to consistently overeat by at least 500 calories every day. I'm planning to gain a pound a week (modest but much more do-able than a dramatically fast gain). Recently I've discovered McDonald's chocolate shakes. 1200 cals of fat and sugar for about three dollars...who could ask for more?
I've given it a lot of thought and have decided to aim for 250 lbs. I've looked at pictures of other guys about my height and think the ones who are around 250 are what I want to look like: chunky all over with a big round belly.
Even though right now I'm fatter than I've ever been in my life, I feel so skinny.
When I run my hands over my belly, I can feel how much more solid it's getting, how it's starting to rest on the tops of my thighs when I sit, and how it's really starting to make itself known when I try to bend over to pick stuff up...but still, I try to imagine what it's going to be like, what my whole body's going to be like, after I gain more than 50 pounds.
A very long time ago, in my early twenties, I weighed about 130 lbs. I can see the incredible diffrerence putting on that first fifty pounds has made (people who knew me in college don't recognize me now). I know the next fifty is going to be equally dramatic. I am simultaneously very excited thinking about this but also, somewhere very deep inside of me feels that this is just so *right*. The heavier I get, the more I feel like I'm becoming what I was supposed to be all along...
Thursday, May 7, 2009
7 May 2009
Wow! I can't believe it's May already. I have no idea where April went. I don't even think I got to post anything here during the entire month!
Status update for anyone who is curious: things are about the same, physically. If anything, I lost a couple of pounds.
Then one day last week I had a big breakfast, big lunch and then out for a (big) dinner. Woke up the next morning with that familiar firmness in the belly that means I'm starting to fill out again...and decided I'm just not willing to plateau at 192 lbs.
Also, I think I already crossed a threshold a few months ago when I went from relatively slim to having a belly that I just couldn't disguise or suck in and make disappear.
I admit it's taken me some time to get used to the extra bulk. I realize I'm still a real lightweight compared to some but I *do* notice a difference when I bend over. There is most definitely more bulk around my middle. And when I run...I jiggle.
Anyway, now that I've crossed the line from "skinny fat" to "becoming noticeably chunkier", somehow it's easier to grasp the idea that now that I actually *have* a belly (and the world didn't end), it's going to be easier to grow it.
Part of my problem is that I'm somewhat of a coward. I'm in a stable, long term relationship with somone to whom I have *not* shared that I'm getting fat on purpose. One thing is that my parter is quite heavy (but not a gainer) and has issues of his own around weight.
That being said, he doesn't appear to mind the fact that I'm getting rounder. He's taken to coming up behind me, putting his arms around me and rubbing my belly. Which is great, except that I'm really ticklish.
At any rate, I think that if he were utterly repulsed, he wouldn't go out of his way to engage me that way. And there have not been any of the comments like "gee, you're getting porky, go on a diet". If anything, following his cues with food (lots of butter, etc) has helped me get fatter!
So anyway, I know at some point we're going to have to have "the conversation". I realize it's kind of passive aggressive to just keep gaining until he's forced to bring it up but I guess I'm hoping as I gain he'll discover he likes the heavier aspect of me. I'm kind of playing it by ear at this point because I just can't think of how to start this conversation without it sounding incredibly bizarre.
And yet I can share these thoughts with the rest of the world - most of whom are complete strangers. Go figure.
Status update for anyone who is curious: things are about the same, physically. If anything, I lost a couple of pounds.
Then one day last week I had a big breakfast, big lunch and then out for a (big) dinner. Woke up the next morning with that familiar firmness in the belly that means I'm starting to fill out again...and decided I'm just not willing to plateau at 192 lbs.
Also, I think I already crossed a threshold a few months ago when I went from relatively slim to having a belly that I just couldn't disguise or suck in and make disappear.
I admit it's taken me some time to get used to the extra bulk. I realize I'm still a real lightweight compared to some but I *do* notice a difference when I bend over. There is most definitely more bulk around my middle. And when I run...I jiggle.
Anyway, now that I've crossed the line from "skinny fat" to "becoming noticeably chunkier", somehow it's easier to grasp the idea that now that I actually *have* a belly (and the world didn't end), it's going to be easier to grow it.
Part of my problem is that I'm somewhat of a coward. I'm in a stable, long term relationship with somone to whom I have *not* shared that I'm getting fat on purpose. One thing is that my parter is quite heavy (but not a gainer) and has issues of his own around weight.
That being said, he doesn't appear to mind the fact that I'm getting rounder. He's taken to coming up behind me, putting his arms around me and rubbing my belly. Which is great, except that I'm really ticklish.
At any rate, I think that if he were utterly repulsed, he wouldn't go out of his way to engage me that way. And there have not been any of the comments like "gee, you're getting porky, go on a diet". If anything, following his cues with food (lots of butter, etc) has helped me get fatter!
So anyway, I know at some point we're going to have to have "the conversation". I realize it's kind of passive aggressive to just keep gaining until he's forced to bring it up but I guess I'm hoping as I gain he'll discover he likes the heavier aspect of me. I'm kind of playing it by ear at this point because I just can't think of how to start this conversation without it sounding incredibly bizarre.
And yet I can share these thoughts with the rest of the world - most of whom are complete strangers. Go figure.
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