Wow! I can't believe it's May already. I have no idea where April went. I don't even think I got to post anything here during the entire month!
Status update for anyone who is curious: things are about the same, physically. If anything, I lost a couple of pounds.
Then one day last week I had a big breakfast, big lunch and then out for a (big) dinner. Woke up the next morning with that familiar firmness in the belly that means I'm starting to fill out again...and decided I'm just not willing to plateau at 192 lbs.
Also, I think I already crossed a threshold a few months ago when I went from relatively slim to having a belly that I just couldn't disguise or suck in and make disappear.
I admit it's taken me some time to get used to the extra bulk. I realize I'm still a real lightweight compared to some but I *do* notice a difference when I bend over. There is most definitely more bulk around my middle. And when I run...I jiggle.
Anyway, now that I've crossed the line from "skinny fat" to "becoming noticeably chunkier", somehow it's easier to grasp the idea that now that I actually *have* a belly (and the world didn't end), it's going to be easier to grow it.
Part of my problem is that I'm somewhat of a coward. I'm in a stable, long term relationship with somone to whom I have *not* shared that I'm getting fat on purpose. One thing is that my parter is quite heavy (but not a gainer) and has issues of his own around weight.
That being said, he doesn't appear to mind the fact that I'm getting rounder. He's taken to coming up behind me, putting his arms around me and rubbing my belly. Which is great, except that I'm really ticklish.
At any rate, I think that if he were utterly repulsed, he wouldn't go out of his way to engage me that way. And there have not been any of the comments like "gee, you're getting porky, go on a diet". If anything, following his cues with food (lots of butter, etc) has helped me get fatter!
So anyway, I know at some point we're going to have to have "the conversation". I realize it's kind of passive aggressive to just keep gaining until he's forced to bring it up but I guess I'm hoping as I gain he'll discover he likes the heavier aspect of me. I'm kind of playing it by ear at this point because I just can't think of how to start this conversation without it sounding incredibly bizarre.
And yet I can share these thoughts with the rest of the world - most of whom are complete strangers. Go figure.
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It's a lot easier to share these things with strangers because we're here reading this with the same thoughts and values that you have.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know how he feels, so you don't bring it up. You know what, I feel like he'd be okay with it but that he'd value your health and would want you to gain with good foods rather than junk foods.
It's best just to tell him, you know? Rather than having that nagging feeling of guilt.
Hi, Jake:
ReplyDeleteIt was great to read how good you feel about your belly. Congratu-lations! How nice that it "shows" (so others can enjoy it too).
Yes, I can imagine from my own experience that it takes some time to get used to more bulk. When it comes to bending down, it helps to bend somewhat sideways, that way the tummy doesn't get squeezed as much. It worked for me anyway.
Having adjusted to 192 lbs, you shouldn't be too far off that magic number 200!! Happy gaining!
Norbert.