10 December 2009

It's 4 am, can't sleep.

Gaining at least a pound a week right now. I'm not really keeping track of how much I eat (no time) but I do know I've managed to train myself to consistently eat more. I'd love to get to where I'm packing on two or three pounds a week. Maybe that will come, maybe it won't. Although I'd love to, I know I don't want to gain any faster than that. I've tried it in the past and all I've done is make myself sick. I'm going slow and steady, which in one sense is frustrating because it seems like right now all I'm doing is gaining and losing the same 15 pounds. That being said, I'm proud of the fact that I've managed to regain ten pounds in the last eight weeks.

And what is interesting is that right now I feel less fat than I did when I was 180lbs. Just checked and I tip the scales at 191. At 180, when I walked, I could feel myself jiggle. At 185, I felt even jigglier as the weight started to pack on again.

Right now, I hardly jiggle at all. Don't get me wrong - I'm definitely starting to bulge (big time) in all the right places. I think it's because I'm approaching my all time highest weight - my skin is starting to feel tight again as I fill out.

In one sense it's getting easier to gain because I'm not jiggling all over the place (very distracting). I'm getting bigger and, like I said before, it's just feeling more and more natural. I wonder if, when I'm a lot fatter, I will start to feel jiggly again? Or does this only happen when I lose weight and the skin gets all loose and gross?

I guess the solution is to just keep on eating, try to keep what I've gained so far and work on getting fatter and fatter. I'm actually really happy with the idea of just gaining until I figure I'm fat enough. I have no idea what magic number that will be. In the past I had estimates, based on what others looked like at a certain weight and height, that I figured would be good for me. Now I realize it's less about how I look and more about how I feel.

All I know is that right now, at least, I'm feeling really good about this and am looking forward growing bigger.