8 July 2013

July already.  I can't believe how quickly this summer is going.

I haven't been up to much lately.  All my plans for huge gains, small gains, and slow steady gains haven't yielded fruit.  Currently I'm just shy of 200 pounds...again...standing at the threshold of "fat" and although my heart and body really want this, have wanted it pretty much all my life, my mind steps in and says "what about, what about, what about".  Things like "what about getting around?"; "what about reduced mobility?"; "what about health problems?"; "what about what people will say/think?"; "what about if you get really big and hate it and can't lose the weight?".  Actually the last one probably would never be a problem for me because as soon as I stop overeating, the pounds seem to just slip off.  I know.  It's a damned stupid thing to be complaining about.

To be truly honest, I think one of my biggest hurdles is the fact that I'm in a relationship, married actually, to a 300+ pound man.  He's not a gainer.  He doesn't know that I'm a gainer.  He's not really happy being big...but he doesn't really seem all that unhappy either.  I'm not really sure what he would think if he knew I was intentionally gaining weight.  I'm pretty sure his main concern would be for my health.

And I've had discussions about this on other messageboards and got what I think is good, but not perfect, advice, that is: just keep gaining until it's obvious that I'm going to keep getting fatter and *then* have that conversation.  Which seems to me just a little bit like saying it's easier to ask forgiveness after the fact than it is to ask permission up front.  Which is I guess a poor choice of words because I don't really feel like I actually need anyone's permission.  It is my own body after all.  But...that being said, he does have to look at me and has to live with the health consequences of my choices.  And I don't want him to worry about me.

I guess the reason I've never really brought it up with him is because I'm terrified that either a) he'll think I'm a freak or b) will himself freak out over this, thus making it really awkward to continue on a gainer path because every time I gain a few pounds he's going to think that it's intentional (whether it is or not) or c) that he'll outwardly agree to it, out of respect for my wishes, but secretly be unhappy about what I'm doing.

I know that there's a d) option, which is: he'd be confused about it at first but get used to the idea and be somewhat supportive...or even an e) option: that he'd think it was a great idea and actively encourage me.

I dunno.  Of that spectrum, I suspect things would fall somewhere in the middle.  And I know I owe it to him to at least be upfront about what I'm doing.  He's not a stupid man (though he can be amazingly obtuse at times); he probably has a vague idea of what's going on.  I just think this is a major thing holding me back and if I want to move forward, I'm going to have to address it.  Even if I don't have his blessing (though how awesome would that be?), I feel like he should at least have the knowledge.

That's where it's at. It's a little bit hellish.  And it's a hell of my own making.

I'll keep you posted as to whether or not I ever summon up the courage to have this (necessary) conversation.  .