And so...I'm back...after a particularly terrible Christmas season. Terrible for reasons I won't get into, though I have to say there wasn't anything specifically bad. It was just a big batch of 'meh' mixed in with too much work, too little sleep, a LOT of conflict (not my own fortunately) and not even close to enough time to eat.
From my last blog post in November until now, I dropped down to 195 (late December) and have managed to claw my way back up to 205.
I'm back down to part time hours as of a few weeks ago and this is what's making the difference.
I'm filling back out again and it feels REALLY good to be getting heavier again.
Working on a somewhat moderate timeline at this point: about five pounds a month. Looking to be about 230 by the summertime. I'm planning a trip to visit my family - won't have seen any of them for quite awhile by then. Last they saw me I was in the high 180s and am expecting some comments about my (hopefully) 50 pound gain.
Anyway, not much else to report and certainly nothing photograph worthy right now.
Showing posts with label 205 lbs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 205 lbs. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Building infrastructure...
So today I met with an encourager I connected with on Grommr. Seems I've been taking a lot of strange risks lately...and yet, so far, they've all paid off. Anyway, in the interest of not outing anyone, let's call him "Bob". So Bob and I had a nice lunch in which I discovered I actually *can't* eat two personal sized pizzas in a single sitting as much as I try to throw good intentions at them. I'm good for exactly one and a half at this point. One of the goals that came out of this meeting is to eventually be able to eat two of those things as part of a single meal. One suggestion Bob had was to condition my stomach to increase its capacity by drinking a large amount of water all at once a couple of hours before mealtime. This is definitely something I'm going to try...but not right before work or bedtime because all that water's eventually got to go somewhere.
I found it profoundly interesting to converse with someone who wants me to get fat as much as *I* do. What's interesting is that Bob himself is a big guy, not a gainer, and actually trying to lose weight. It was awkward at times because I didn't want to offend him by being so incredibly pro-gaining to a guy who's pro-losing. I admit I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this. But...Bob's on board to helping me get fat and I'm sure not going to question it. Keeping myself on a forced diet of excess calories day in and day out can at times be a total drag that I suspect is on par with the dilemma of someone who must count every calorie to lose weight. Frankly, the more help I can get, the better.
It's just too bad there wasn't way to magically transfer all of Bob's excess weight onto my own (still relatively slender) frame because I think it would be indescribably awesome to wake up tomorrow and find I was suddenly, massively 300 + pounds. Oh well, this is the stuff of gainer fiction. In reality, like all worthwhile things, this one's going to take patience and effort. There is also something to be said for enjoying the trip.
Another interesting thing...lately I've been 'outing' myself about gaining to various people in my life. I want to prepare them for the new and improved me to avoid awkward conversations down the road that may otherwise happen at inconvenient times. And I want to avoid the whole "Wow, you're getting fat, time for a diet/go get your thyroid checked" routine.
Also, I have the idea that the if people around me have a clear understanding that I'm getting fat on purpose, that they will expect to see me gain a lot of weight and in a way this actually provides added pressure/responsibility (at least in my mind) for me to actually DO this. And I guess part of it, too, is gauging reactions to this bit of information about myself. I'm not entirely sure what I expected but so far the overall impression is mild confusion mixed with "it's your body, do what you want as long as you're not hurting anyone and you stay relatively healthy". Nobody's really cheering me on but at the same time nobody's freaking out about it either. Which is a-okay with me. Of course, once I actually start fulfilling my intentions in a big way (no pun intended), this conversation may change...and I'm going to have to cross that bridge when I come to it.
Until then, I'm doing my best to adhere to a 4000 calorie a day diet. The last ten days or so, since I've made my resolution to truly move forward and keep gaining no matter what, I've been eating as much as I can but it's pretty random. Though I'm definitely feeling the weight creeping on, it's just not happening as quickly and consistently as I'd like.
In light of this, Bob and I agreed that I'd provide him with a daily copy of my spreadsheet to keep better track of how successfully I'm keeping to the plan. I sincerely do hope that after struggling through this long enough and consistently being able to get those 4000 calories a day into me, that eventually eating this amount of food will become second nature to me...which it will have to be if I want to stay as big, round, and happy as I'm working so hard getting to be.
On that note, I'm off for a big bowl of buttered rice.
I found it profoundly interesting to converse with someone who wants me to get fat as much as *I* do. What's interesting is that Bob himself is a big guy, not a gainer, and actually trying to lose weight. It was awkward at times because I didn't want to offend him by being so incredibly pro-gaining to a guy who's pro-losing. I admit I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this. But...Bob's on board to helping me get fat and I'm sure not going to question it. Keeping myself on a forced diet of excess calories day in and day out can at times be a total drag that I suspect is on par with the dilemma of someone who must count every calorie to lose weight. Frankly, the more help I can get, the better.
It's just too bad there wasn't way to magically transfer all of Bob's excess weight onto my own (still relatively slender) frame because I think it would be indescribably awesome to wake up tomorrow and find I was suddenly, massively 300 + pounds. Oh well, this is the stuff of gainer fiction. In reality, like all worthwhile things, this one's going to take patience and effort. There is also something to be said for enjoying the trip.
Another interesting thing...lately I've been 'outing' myself about gaining to various people in my life. I want to prepare them for the new and improved me to avoid awkward conversations down the road that may otherwise happen at inconvenient times. And I want to avoid the whole "Wow, you're getting fat, time for a diet/go get your thyroid checked" routine.
Also, I have the idea that the if people around me have a clear understanding that I'm getting fat on purpose, that they will expect to see me gain a lot of weight and in a way this actually provides added pressure/responsibility (at least in my mind) for me to actually DO this. And I guess part of it, too, is gauging reactions to this bit of information about myself. I'm not entirely sure what I expected but so far the overall impression is mild confusion mixed with "it's your body, do what you want as long as you're not hurting anyone and you stay relatively healthy". Nobody's really cheering me on but at the same time nobody's freaking out about it either. Which is a-okay with me. Of course, once I actually start fulfilling my intentions in a big way (no pun intended), this conversation may change...and I'm going to have to cross that bridge when I come to it.
Until then, I'm doing my best to adhere to a 4000 calorie a day diet. The last ten days or so, since I've made my resolution to truly move forward and keep gaining no matter what, I've been eating as much as I can but it's pretty random. Though I'm definitely feeling the weight creeping on, it's just not happening as quickly and consistently as I'd like.
In light of this, Bob and I agreed that I'd provide him with a daily copy of my spreadsheet to keep better track of how successfully I'm keeping to the plan. I sincerely do hope that after struggling through this long enough and consistently being able to get those 4000 calories a day into me, that eventually eating this amount of food will become second nature to me...which it will have to be if I want to stay as big, round, and happy as I'm working so hard getting to be.
On that note, I'm off for a big bowl of buttered rice.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
It's all green lights from here...
Well, the past week I've been highly motivated to eat. Partly because I'm finally starting to network within our local gainer/encourager community (amazing how much one can do when one doesn't feel the need to hide the shadows, eh?) and partly because I'm just so damned tired of being this skinny. I suspect the weather has a bit to do with it too: we're sliding back into winter now. Today is grey and cold with grudging tiny flakes of snow. I'm okay with that. I suffer in the summer heat and I'm glad the cooler season is on us now.
It's kind of funny...yesterday I was at a social occasion with someone I see maybe once a month. She remarked that it looked like I was losing weight and that I was looking good (seems she always makes a comment like this just as I'm starting to get fatter again..so...maybe a catty insult in disguise? Who knows?) Anyway, I just patted my belly proudly and proclaimed that in fact I'm heavier than ever and that being fat must really agree with me.
Although I've only move a single digit on the scale, I can already see and feel the extra effort paying off. I've had the "gainer itch" across my belly for a few days now and I can feel everything firming up. And I truly believe this: I really *like* the way my appearance is changing as I gain weight. I love the fact that my belly is getting bigger and the feeling of thick heaviness that a big belly brings.
I'm overjoyed about the fact that I can get as fat as I want to now...without the guilt...and without having to hide what I'm doing anymore.
It's kind of funny...yesterday I was at a social occasion with someone I see maybe once a month. She remarked that it looked like I was losing weight and that I was looking good (seems she always makes a comment like this just as I'm starting to get fatter again..so...maybe a catty insult in disguise? Who knows?) Anyway, I just patted my belly proudly and proclaimed that in fact I'm heavier than ever and that being fat must really agree with me.
Although I've only move a single digit on the scale, I can already see and feel the extra effort paying off. I've had the "gainer itch" across my belly for a few days now and I can feel everything firming up. And I truly believe this: I really *like* the way my appearance is changing as I gain weight. I love the fact that my belly is getting bigger and the feeling of thick heaviness that a big belly brings.
I'm overjoyed about the fact that I can get as fat as I want to now...without the guilt...and without having to hide what I'm doing anymore.
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