22 October 2013

So today I decided to play a little dress up with some creative use of some stretchy fabric, some modified t-shirts (resewn so they're tighter around the belly), a large garbage bag, and a belt.  Don't knock it - it's ridiculously simple and when slowly filled with warm water, renders an acceptably realistic belly.  

I'm not sure I'd ever want to leave the house wearing this (though I bet I could pass!) for fear of springing a leak, but it's definitely giving me an idea of what it's going to be like when my belly is *actually* this size.  

I figure I've simulated about a 40 pound weight gain from where I am now...on my belly anyways...and I have to say, I'm really enjoying how it feels!  I know my chest and arms will be a lot bigger as well once I reach that weight but I just couldn't be bothered to arrange all the extra padding needed for the look.  I did it once before and if I truly put on the fat where I'm guessing I will, I'm going to be short, massively solid dude. It's helping that I'm keeping up with the cardio and lifting weights.

Anyway, even just with this basic "dress up" I like the way my clothes fit completely differently, how much my t-shirt strains outward to accommodate my belly and pulls across the back and shoulders because of it.   How it feels to have that extra bulk resting on the tops of my thighs when I lean forward.  The overall general feeling of soft heaviness around my waist that doesn't go away no matter how much I suck in my gut.  How everything shifts and jiggles when I climb the stairs (I'm actually starting to feel that to a small degree already in real life but I imagine the sensation will be much magnified once there's more stuff there to jiggle).  Just being able to close my eyes, reach down to feel the smooth outward curve of my stomach and fool myself into thinking how much bigger I've become.  

All the eating until I'm almost sick of food.  All the times it's hard to sleep because I've overindulged and am bloated.  All the extra money spent keeping myself well supplied with treats to keep the easy calories coming. 

*This* is what I'm working towards.

20 October 2013

199 for the last few days.  As soon as I stop with the crazy amounts of food the gain stops dead as well.  That being said I'm delighted with result of the last few weeks of gaining.  I'm getting softer all over and the extra weight is definitely showing in places like my belly and chest.

I'm quickly approaching my highest all-time weight (202).

13 October 2013

Weighed myself today and discovered I'm up to a solid 197 lbs...and counting...

10 October 2013

...wonders about the logic of the person who clicked "don't gain any more" on the poll.  You *do* realize this is a *gainer* blog, right?  I mean, I'm not ripping on you or anything.  I confess I just don't understand you.

Anyway, slow but steady here.  I managed to tip the scales at 196 yesterday but have not managed to repeat the feat (I think it was the large meal I'd just had).  Realistically, I'm about 194 right now.  Not that it's all about the numbers.  I can definitely see and feel the pounds coming on.  Have laid in a good supply of snacks and easy to reach calories and plan to keep on doing what's been working so far...

7 October 2013

Well, I know it's only been a few days...far too soon for any massive changes.  That being said, the extra portions ARE paying off.  Although the gain is still, so far, not much to speak of, I am excited by the fact that my work clothes are getting tighter and that I can definitely start to see and feel the extra mass starting to build up again..

Being free and clear with the gaining, from an emotional/relationship standpoint is *really* helping with keeping the momentum going.

Oddly enough, the biggest impediment this week is the fact that my most conveniently located grocery store (and one that carries the yummiest gluten free baked goods) is currently experiencing a strike among its workers.  I'm not one to cross a picket line, having walked enough of them myself.

So, hopefully they're able to resolve their differences with management (and hopefully before I run out of chocolate muffins!)

2 October 2013

Well, it's Day 2 of my fresh start.  What a difference it makes not to have to hide anymore or feel guilty about hiding what I'm doing!

I've been going pretty much non-stop now...always staying full but *not* overeating to the point of making myself sick.

I hope to gradually train my body to expect around 4500 calories a day...but I'm not planning to force the issue.  I'm just going keep trying to eat a little bit more each meal, try to add a few more snacks in between, and make sure to have a fairly large snack...800 calories or so...just before bedtime.  The goal is for a 2-3 pound a week gain...but at this point, I'd be happy even with a pound a week if it means I'm getting bigger.

I know it's still early on in my (most recent...but this time ultimately successful!) gain but, after eating I swear I can feel that itch starting up under the skin of my belly...the one that says I'm already starting to gain weight...

I still plan to document the process, taking photos at five pound intervals if only just to say "hey, remember when I was only *that* big"!

1 October 2013

All righty...

A series of traumatic/unfortunate events coupled with a very long car trip...alone...gave me abundant time to think about how short life really is and how I need to stop diddling around and actually DO something about things I want to in this life...

...has given me the courage to have "the talk" with my other half.

It went about how I expected.  When I got home after being away for a couple of weeks, he put his hand on my stomach and mentioned how I gained a few while I was gone and how I need to go on a diet (eating while driving long distances is really easy to do and I made sure to have lots of stuff to eat on hand and have put on about three pounds since I left) and this was just tailor made opening for the conversation I've been desperately wanting to have for...like...years.

He always said he showed his love by cooking for me.  I told him to please, show me as much love as he could.  There was some initial confusion on his part as I explained that I have always wanted to be bigger and that I wanted him to make as much food as he wanted for me and that I'd eat whatever he made.  He said he couldn't understand why someone would want to intentionally get fatter and expressed concerns about possible health problems.  I said I was only looking, at this point, to gain about 40 pounds (I don't want to totally freak him out and I may get to 235 and figure that's enough anyway.  If not...well, I plan to cross that bridge when I come to it).

I asked him for his support and, although he really doesn't "get" why I'm doing this, and he's agreed to...I'm not sure exactly.  I'm not sure how active he's going to be in helping me gain.  I *hope* we can get into a good dynamic with this with some positive reinforcement on my part. Time will tell just how active he'll be in the process, I guess.

At this point, I'm just overwhelmingly relieved that he's okay with me doing this.  I was afraid of...I dunno...a complete meltdown or something.  It's not that I need his permission but at the same time this is part of what being in a relationship is: communication.  Also, I'm tired of having to be so much on the "down low" with how much I'm eating.  It'll make it easier to gain if I can be out in the open with it.

So...baby steps from here.  I'm just happy I finally worked up the courage to have this conversation with him.  And I really feel like now I've removed the last real impediment to getting bigger.

Also, I've redone the poll and tweaked it a little bit.  The old one expired and then started to do some weird statistical things when I tried to extend it.  I'm always curious to know what other people are thinking about this...