24 September 2014

Well, sometimes there IS such a thing as free lunch.  Or at least a whole lot of yummy food that gets sent in one's direction after it's done being used as film props.

Without going into too much detail about this so as not to interfere with the production of the piece, I *can* tell you that I was contacted a few weeks ago, out of the blue, by a journalist about doing a documentary on what it's like to be a gainer.  It was so strange and improbable that I admit I had a great deal of concern about doing this.  Having seen how gainers are treated by mainstream media by the likes of Dr. Oz, Maury, etc...at first I just wasn't willing to go there.

I was curious though, just to see how this would play out.  So I corresponded with the journalist a few times on e-mail and this, in addition to a single 20 minute phone call, was enough for him to fly up from the States with a cameraman.  Didn't know my name or my address.   Still doesn't as far as I know.  It was a HUGE leap of faith on their part because it would have been super easy for me to get cold feet and simply evaporate on them with no fear of reprisal.  I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered it.  But there was enough transparency on their part, and a lack of red flags, to convince me that this would be worth doing.

The first day of filming was nerve wracking for me...I had terrible visions of getting there and finding an orgy in progress.  Or a room full of "tourists" looking to ogle the weirdo.  Of getting "roofied" and never being heard from again.  Lots of variables and lots of room for things for me to be paranoid about.

In the end, though, it worked out better than I ever could have imagined. The journalist was professional, sensitive, careful not to offend, and I could tell by the line of questioning that this is not going to turn into one of those drive by freak show puff pieces that dominate mainstream media.

He told me part of what drew him to approaching me was, in fact, this very blog as well as how I handled myself on the Reddit AMA from November 2011.  He said he was impressed by the thoughtfulness of my posts and how I was dealing with so many of the issues surrounding being a gainer.

So...after two very hard days of shooting (I have acquired serious respect for professional actors who deal with the constant staging of camera shots and all the technical stuff that comes with lighting etc.  Spending six hours in a small room with a giant light right in your face, brighter than the midday sun and just about as hot is truly an endurance test I don't care to repeat anytime soon), they've got hours of footage.  It will be very interesting to see what makes it through editing and to see the vision of the final piece.

I'm simply exhausted now though.  This whole experience has pushed me so far beyond my comfort zone that if I look back now, I'm sure it's so far gone as to have slipped below the horizon.  I've gone from making quiet blog posts to myself in the wee hours to discussing my entire experience with a stranger for a documentary whose distribution I have absolutely no control over.  I've had to come "out" as a gainer to two more friends as a result of this (non issue with both of them) and also managed to plunge my husband square into the middle of this.  He knows a LOT more about my gaining ways now than he ever suspected he would.

It was really difficult the first day because I hadn't even told my husband that I was doing this documentary.  I just said I was going to a meeting.  That night when I got home I guess he could tell something was up and when he asked, I told him all about it. As I was saying the words to explain this all to him, even to me it sounded so freaking improbable that I knew he was going to need to meet the crew.  So he came along for the last day of shooting and will end up being in the documentary as well.  I know it was hard for him.  But I also know it was exactly the right thing to do because if I hadn't, he would have always wondered about this.  Now at least he knows for sure what it was about because he's shared part of the experience of it.

In all, this was terrifying, exhausting, but also in so many ways extremely positive and validating of my own experience.  Although I still consider myself to be odder than the average person, it turns out that I'm not nearly the freak I always thought I was.  Although I am going against social norms, this really *isn't* as big a deal as I'd always thought.  

Again (and I know I've said this *far* too many times before), I really DO think the Year of the Big Gain has begun.  Roadblocks have fallen (including more than in a few that existed solely in my own mind) and I'm starting to get more support through networking with other gainers and encouragers (including a number of very cool local people).  It's all starting to come together.  And this makes me SO happy!

Time to go dig in to that awesome pile of food...