10 December 2012

Nothing really dramatic to report today.  Just eating as much as I can, as often as I can.   Am swallowing down at least one of those improvised Ensure/cream shakes every day...sometimes two but definitely one before bedtime.  The extra calories and fat are helping:  I'm seeing a slow and steady gain - not as fast as I would like but at least it's progress. 

Exactly two years ago I was ten pounds heavier than I am now.  I'm still trying to figure out why I dropped the weight.  If I'd only stayed on a course of even moderate gaining, say a single pound every week, I'd be SO fat by now. 

Ah well.  I guess these things happen in their own time.  And when I finally do manage to get to my proper weight, it's going to be all that much more gratifying for having waited so long to achieve it!

Though I admit that my mood is a bit foul today.  At that dinner last Saturday I'm almost certain I was fed something containing gluten...not by my friends at my first meal, but at the official second meal put on by the people running the hall.  It was only one bite of a tart crust...but based on how digestively unhappy I'm feeling (as well as feeling a teensy bit depressed for no apparent reason), I'd bet anything it was a regular tart served by accident to me.  To be fair, the gluten free ones looked damned near identical to the regular ones!  I can totally understand someone grabbing the wrong one in the chaos that always ensues when a volunteer group attempts to feed 200 people at the same time.  I'm just uber-grateful that I was so full from the first dinner that I only took a single bite of that "poison" tart...or things would be so much worse for me today.

The effect of gluten on my digestive system is somewhat like throwing a handful of sand into some well oiled gears: the machine keeps working but it's not too happy and runs like crap until the sand works its way out.  And that's all I'm going to say about that because I risk taking this blog into some really unsavory and graphic places if I go on into too much detail about what's going on, digestively, for me  Suffice to say: if you CAN eat wheat based products with no problem, I envy you!  As for me...now it's just a waiting game...and lots of fiber...to help this "sand" work its way out!

Actually, speaking of envy, I confess I'm a little envious of a local gainer I met a few years ago.  We were both at about the same place with respect to BMI's (it's the only comparison that even remotely close to accurate because he was five inches taller than me).  I just cruised by on Grommr - he's looking fabulous, almost 300 pounds now.  And I'm *exactly* the same weight now, as I was when I met him...oh, about three years ago.  I don't begrudge him his success.  Not one bit!  But I really need to get my own butt in gear and keep my commitment to this if I'm ever going to see the same success myself.

Okay, I'll stop whining now.  I just needed to put that out there because part of this blog is about sharing what's going on inside my head.  Today it's a little dark and rainy in there. 

Let's hope for sunny skies tomorrow.