24 December 2013

Well, merry whatever you want to celebrate...

The very worst of it is over at work - headed for a much more relaxed schedule after today.  Which is good because the stress level there was redlining and I was fully expecting a fistfight to break out yesterday.

And it was funny this morning when I coworker...a woman a hardly know...rushed over to me and proclaimed she was worried I was working too hard because I've lost so much weight!  So I guess even other people are noticing.

I've GOT to get back on track...

23 December 2013

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth...I've been working.  Every single day since December 1st in fact. With overtime.  Doing a very strenuous job that requires a ton of fast walking and lightning quick repetitive lifting/tossing in an environment that at this time of year, most closely resembles a meat freezer (and no, I'm not complaining - they pay me fabulously for doing it)

In spite of the fact that I've been eating somewhere between 3500 and 4000 calories per day, I've managed to lose six pounds.  This month alone.   It's odd, because although I've lost a fair bit of body fat, I've still kept my belly...less fat there, but definitely a lot more abdominal muscle bulk underneath.  Now if I can just keep that muscle into the new year and regain the fat I've lost...should be quite impressive.

Anyway, this meat grinder of a schedule should come to an end in the next week or two.  I'm looking forward having some time off.  No plans for Christmas other than sleep. And having a chance to catch up on my gaining.  Because, seriously, if I was eating THIS much in an office job, I'd already be huge.  But I'm not quitting, because in spite of the super healthy amounts of exercise I'm getting (well, super healthy until, in my sleep deprived state, I wander into a forklift lane and the driver doesn't manage to swerve in time...) I like this place.  And the money I've made during this busy time will certainly pay for a LOT of extra snacks.

16 November 2013

I'm still hanging in there at 199, which is an accomplishment in itself considering how much extra energy I'm expending at work.  We're heading into our busy season and my job entails a lot of physical labour.  I know if I quit this and got an office job I'd be packing on the pounds left and right (especially with how much I'm eating!) but I really like my job now and am willing to trade off a slower gain in order to keep it.

At the *very* least, my goal, until Christmas anyway, is to maintain what I've gained.  If I can manage to keep gaining, even if it's ever so slowly, I'll consider that a "win" because at least I'm not losing ground.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted...

22 October 2013

So today I decided to play a little dress up with some creative use of some stretchy fabric, some modified t-shirts (resewn so they're tighter around the belly), a large garbage bag, and a belt.  Don't knock it - it's ridiculously simple and when slowly filled with warm water, renders an acceptably realistic belly.  

I'm not sure I'd ever want to leave the house wearing this (though I bet I could pass!) for fear of springing a leak, but it's definitely giving me an idea of what it's going to be like when my belly is *actually* this size.  

I figure I've simulated about a 40 pound weight gain from where I am now...on my belly anyways...and I have to say, I'm really enjoying how it feels!  I know my chest and arms will be a lot bigger as well once I reach that weight but I just couldn't be bothered to arrange all the extra padding needed for the look.  I did it once before and if I truly put on the fat where I'm guessing I will, I'm going to be short, massively solid dude. It's helping that I'm keeping up with the cardio and lifting weights.

Anyway, even just with this basic "dress up" I like the way my clothes fit completely differently, how much my t-shirt strains outward to accommodate my belly and pulls across the back and shoulders because of it.   How it feels to have that extra bulk resting on the tops of my thighs when I lean forward.  The overall general feeling of soft heaviness around my waist that doesn't go away no matter how much I suck in my gut.  How everything shifts and jiggles when I climb the stairs (I'm actually starting to feel that to a small degree already in real life but I imagine the sensation will be much magnified once there's more stuff there to jiggle).  Just being able to close my eyes, reach down to feel the smooth outward curve of my stomach and fool myself into thinking how much bigger I've become.  

All the eating until I'm almost sick of food.  All the times it's hard to sleep because I've overindulged and am bloated.  All the extra money spent keeping myself well supplied with treats to keep the easy calories coming. 

*This* is what I'm working towards.

20 October 2013

199 for the last few days.  As soon as I stop with the crazy amounts of food the gain stops dead as well.  That being said I'm delighted with result of the last few weeks of gaining.  I'm getting softer all over and the extra weight is definitely showing in places like my belly and chest.

I'm quickly approaching my highest all-time weight (202).

13 October 2013

Weighed myself today and discovered I'm up to a solid 197 lbs...and counting...

10 October 2013

...wonders about the logic of the person who clicked "don't gain any more" on the poll.  You *do* realize this is a *gainer* blog, right?  I mean, I'm not ripping on you or anything.  I confess I just don't understand you.

Anyway, slow but steady here.  I managed to tip the scales at 196 yesterday but have not managed to repeat the feat (I think it was the large meal I'd just had).  Realistically, I'm about 194 right now.  Not that it's all about the numbers.  I can definitely see and feel the pounds coming on.  Have laid in a good supply of snacks and easy to reach calories and plan to keep on doing what's been working so far...

7 October 2013

Well, I know it's only been a few days...far too soon for any massive changes.  That being said, the extra portions ARE paying off.  Although the gain is still, so far, not much to speak of, I am excited by the fact that my work clothes are getting tighter and that I can definitely start to see and feel the extra mass starting to build up again..

Being free and clear with the gaining, from an emotional/relationship standpoint is *really* helping with keeping the momentum going.

Oddly enough, the biggest impediment this week is the fact that my most conveniently located grocery store (and one that carries the yummiest gluten free baked goods) is currently experiencing a strike among its workers.  I'm not one to cross a picket line, having walked enough of them myself.

So, hopefully they're able to resolve their differences with management (and hopefully before I run out of chocolate muffins!)

2 October 2013

Well, it's Day 2 of my fresh start.  What a difference it makes not to have to hide anymore or feel guilty about hiding what I'm doing!

I've been going pretty much non-stop now...always staying full but *not* overeating to the point of making myself sick.

I hope to gradually train my body to expect around 4500 calories a day...but I'm not planning to force the issue.  I'm just going keep trying to eat a little bit more each meal, try to add a few more snacks in between, and make sure to have a fairly large snack...800 calories or so...just before bedtime.  The goal is for a 2-3 pound a week gain...but at this point, I'd be happy even with a pound a week if it means I'm getting bigger.

I know it's still early on in my (most recent...but this time ultimately successful!) gain but, after eating I swear I can feel that itch starting up under the skin of my belly...the one that says I'm already starting to gain weight...

I still plan to document the process, taking photos at five pound intervals if only just to say "hey, remember when I was only *that* big"!

1 October 2013

All righty...

A series of traumatic/unfortunate events coupled with a very long car trip...alone...gave me abundant time to think about how short life really is and how I need to stop diddling around and actually DO something about things I want to in this life...

...has given me the courage to have "the talk" with my other half.

It went about how I expected.  When I got home after being away for a couple of weeks, he put his hand on my stomach and mentioned how I gained a few while I was gone and how I need to go on a diet (eating while driving long distances is really easy to do and I made sure to have lots of stuff to eat on hand and have put on about three pounds since I left) and this was just tailor made opening for the conversation I've been desperately wanting to have for...like...years.

He always said he showed his love by cooking for me.  I told him to please, show me as much love as he could.  There was some initial confusion on his part as I explained that I have always wanted to be bigger and that I wanted him to make as much food as he wanted for me and that I'd eat whatever he made.  He said he couldn't understand why someone would want to intentionally get fatter and expressed concerns about possible health problems.  I said I was only looking, at this point, to gain about 40 pounds (I don't want to totally freak him out and I may get to 235 and figure that's enough anyway.  If not...well, I plan to cross that bridge when I come to it).

I asked him for his support and, although he really doesn't "get" why I'm doing this, and he's agreed to...I'm not sure exactly.  I'm not sure how active he's going to be in helping me gain.  I *hope* we can get into a good dynamic with this with some positive reinforcement on my part. Time will tell just how active he'll be in the process, I guess.

At this point, I'm just overwhelmingly relieved that he's okay with me doing this.  I was afraid of...I dunno...a complete meltdown or something.  It's not that I need his permission but at the same time this is part of what being in a relationship is: communication.  Also, I'm tired of having to be so much on the "down low" with how much I'm eating.  It'll make it easier to gain if I can be out in the open with it.

So...baby steps from here.  I'm just happy I finally worked up the courage to have this conversation with him.  And I really feel like now I've removed the last real impediment to getting bigger.

Also, I've redone the poll and tweaked it a little bit.  The old one expired and then started to do some weird statistical things when I tried to extend it.  I'm always curious to know what other people are thinking about this...

8 July 2013

July already.  I can't believe how quickly this summer is going.

I haven't been up to much lately.  All my plans for huge gains, small gains, and slow steady gains haven't yielded fruit.  Currently I'm just shy of 200 pounds...again...standing at the threshold of "fat" and although my heart and body really want this, have wanted it pretty much all my life, my mind steps in and says "what about, what about, what about".  Things like "what about getting around?"; "what about reduced mobility?"; "what about health problems?"; "what about what people will say/think?"; "what about if you get really big and hate it and can't lose the weight?".  Actually the last one probably would never be a problem for me because as soon as I stop overeating, the pounds seem to just slip off.  I know.  It's a damned stupid thing to be complaining about.

To be truly honest, I think one of my biggest hurdles is the fact that I'm in a relationship, married actually, to a 300+ pound man.  He's not a gainer.  He doesn't know that I'm a gainer.  He's not really happy being big...but he doesn't really seem all that unhappy either.  I'm not really sure what he would think if he knew I was intentionally gaining weight.  I'm pretty sure his main concern would be for my health.

And I've had discussions about this on other messageboards and got what I think is good, but not perfect, advice, that is: just keep gaining until it's obvious that I'm going to keep getting fatter and *then* have that conversation.  Which seems to me just a little bit like saying it's easier to ask forgiveness after the fact than it is to ask permission up front.  Which is I guess a poor choice of words because I don't really feel like I actually need anyone's permission.  It is my own body after all.  But...that being said, he does have to look at me and has to live with the health consequences of my choices.  And I don't want him to worry about me.

I guess the reason I've never really brought it up with him is because I'm terrified that either a) he'll think I'm a freak or b) will himself freak out over this, thus making it really awkward to continue on a gainer path because every time I gain a few pounds he's going to think that it's intentional (whether it is or not) or c) that he'll outwardly agree to it, out of respect for my wishes, but secretly be unhappy about what I'm doing.

I know that there's a d) option, which is: he'd be confused about it at first but get used to the idea and be somewhat supportive...or even an e) option: that he'd think it was a great idea and actively encourage me.

I dunno.  Of that spectrum, I suspect things would fall somewhere in the middle.  And I know I owe it to him to at least be upfront about what I'm doing.  He's not a stupid man (though he can be amazingly obtuse at times); he probably has a vague idea of what's going on.  I just think this is a major thing holding me back and if I want to move forward, I'm going to have to address it.  Even if I don't have his blessing (though how awesome would that be?), I feel like he should at least have the knowledge.

That's where it's at. It's a little bit hellish.  And it's a hell of my own making.

I'll keep you posted as to whether or not I ever summon up the courage to have this (necessary) conversation.  .

28 May 2013

Yes I'm still around.  Nope, not up to much, thus, not posting. 

Did remove the post from 16 March.  I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but someone, or a group of someones, is sending out nonsensical mass e-mails that are getting caught in the spam filter for this account.  Disturbingly, it's a lot like the seemingly random chatter that was washing up against my FreeNet account back in 2001, just before 9/11.  I'm not a conspiracy theorist, nor am I suggesting anything is awry, but I do find it odd that this apparently coded stuff is circulating throughout the internet again. 

Anyway, so 16 March is gone.  Hopefully whatever web pointer that singled out that blog entry for atttention from...whoever these people are...has been dislodged and I can go into my e-mail without having to wade through a bunch of random crap deposited there by...I dunno.

15 February 2013

And just like that...I'm gaining again. 

I haven't really been doing anything special.  Just eating whenever I can, working out a bit, loafing around when I can.

Part of what's helping is the fact that I'm working my way through Superstore's new lineup of gluten free baked goods.  Some of it's awesome (the chocolate chip cookies) and some of it is just kind of, I dunno, weird (lemon poppy seed loaf).  All of it, in spite of the fact that they don't list calorie counts on the labels, I can tell eating these things is helping.

I've been doing a bit of research online and learning some pretty bizarre things.  Google "obesogen" and see what comes up.  It's kind of fascinating and also a little scary.  Tributyltin - a fairly commonly used chemical in marine paint - has not only the potential to make you fat...but your children...and your grandchildren too!

Now I've already come to the conclusion that I'm not going to be creating any kids in this lifetime so there's no worries about passing this on to the next generation but I admit I'm a little awed at a single chemical's ability to make someone permanently fat.  I'm also frightened by all the other things purposely exposing myself to this stuff might do.  Not really a big fan of hopping onto the cancer train.

Some other things catch my interest though: Bisphenol-A and its close cousin Bisphenol A diglycidyl ether.  Really easy to find (it's in food can linings, thermal cash register tapes, and epoxy), problematic for people who want to be thin, and possibly a cheater's shortcut for someone like me.  It seems almost magical that a daily low-dose exposure to these things actually triggers, on a genetic level, the body to fill up the existing fat cells, and to create new ones.  I've just waded through a pile of crap on Google - some of it's simply scare mongering but there's also a number of scholarly works that go into excruciating detail as to why these compounds make you get fat.  It's especially interesting that one of the studies notes that the fatter you are when you're exposed to these chemicals, the more profound the impact they have in making you get even fatter. 

And then there's the naturally occurring stuff like policosanol (sugar cane extract) and uridine (basically the same thing) that appear to be non-toxic but also cause the body to put on more weight as fat.  As far as I can tell I've got a good shot at finding this stuff locally for a decent price.  Taking a pill also seems somewhat less embarrassing than rubbing used cash register tapes all over my belly.  I'll leave you with that image.

29 January 2013

Well I don't know how a whole month managed to go by in what seems to be the blink of an eye!  There really hasn't been much change - just getting back into the rhythm of life after the holidays.  I may quite possibly be the only person in the history of the world who is actually relieved when January rolls around.

No real gains to report but no great losses either.  Mostly just settling in, getting used to being the bigger size I've managed to become...so far.