27 December 2009

So this is where I'm currently at: 192 lbs. As you can see, I've definitely gained back the missing weight to my belly - it's never been as big as it is right now. I'm developing the "overhang" now and I think pretty soon that belt buckle is going to disappear completely.

I also appear to be gaining higher up on my midsection - for the first time my profile looks kind of square. I see a lot of potential here and look forward to seeing what the next 15 or 20 lbs brings.

10 December 2009

It's 4 am, can't sleep.

Gaining at least a pound a week right now. I'm not really keeping track of how much I eat (no time) but I do know I've managed to train myself to consistently eat more. I'd love to get to where I'm packing on two or three pounds a week. Maybe that will come, maybe it won't. Although I'd love to, I know I don't want to gain any faster than that. I've tried it in the past and all I've done is make myself sick. I'm going slow and steady, which in one sense is frustrating because it seems like right now all I'm doing is gaining and losing the same 15 pounds. That being said, I'm proud of the fact that I've managed to regain ten pounds in the last eight weeks.

And what is interesting is that right now I feel less fat than I did when I was 180lbs. Just checked and I tip the scales at 191. At 180, when I walked, I could feel myself jiggle. At 185, I felt even jigglier as the weight started to pack on again.

Right now, I hardly jiggle at all. Don't get me wrong - I'm definitely starting to bulge (big time) in all the right places. I think it's because I'm approaching my all time highest weight - my skin is starting to feel tight again as I fill out.

In one sense it's getting easier to gain because I'm not jiggling all over the place (very distracting). I'm getting bigger and, like I said before, it's just feeling more and more natural. I wonder if, when I'm a lot fatter, I will start to feel jiggly again? Or does this only happen when I lose weight and the skin gets all loose and gross?

I guess the solution is to just keep on eating, try to keep what I've gained so far and work on getting fatter and fatter. I'm actually really happy with the idea of just gaining until I figure I'm fat enough. I have no idea what magic number that will be. In the past I had estimates, based on what others looked like at a certain weight and height, that I figured would be good for me. Now I realize it's less about how I look and more about how I feel.

All I know is that right now, at least, I'm feeling really good about this and am looking forward growing bigger.

7 December 2009

No, I haven't died. I've just been busy and computer access has been spotty at best. Sorry for the delay.

I'm back up to a solid 190lbs and on track to make 195 before Christmas. I think the cold, dark weather really helps me to gain. I'm hungry all the time and I've been eating as much as I can, as often as I can.

My belly is filling in a little differently this time - it's just getting solider and denser instead of jiggly and soft. I think I'm exercising more and that's helping and I'm watching my diet. Eating healthy food and lots of it.

The gain feels natural (I've been this fat before) and I really do believe I was meant to be fatter than average.

I'll try to keep posting on a more regular basis as things progress.

Wish me luck

29 October 2009

Hi all...

Just responding to a couple of comments made to this blog regarding transfats...

I actually don't eat much in the way of processed foods. I have a serious problem with gluten and this means I'm actually eating more of a paleo-diet (meat, nuts, seeds, veggies, rice, etc). It's making it harder to gain (no pizza, no beer, no donuts or cookies, not much in the way of pre-packaged snack foods) but I think I'm holding my own.

That being said, even though my goal is to get fat (which most would say is inherently unhealthy), I'm trying to do it in a healthy way. So...not much in the way of transfats. Very little high fructose corn syrup (pop is kind of gross anyway)...

Almonds, rice, chocolate (yaaay chocolate), a weakness for Doritos...I think these things will be my ticket to roundness...

2 October 2009

So I went away and then I came back. Actually, to be more specific, I went out of town on business for four days and then came back and worked like crazy the next four days.

Here's the update (and I admit I'm a little confused by the results).

While I was away for the four days I ate a lot of extra calories. According to the spreadsheet I should weigh at least 192 lbs now. But I don't. Oddly enough I appear to have lost weight. The day I got back the scale said I was actually one pound lighter then when I left. Trust me on this - I ate an incredible amount of food when I was gone. And I kept track of it down to the calorie (the business part of the trip was short and easy and left me lots of time for other things like refining the spreadsheet).

But...and this is where it's weird...although I appear to be lighter in a numbers sense, my belly *is* bigger. This isn't wishful thinking. Shirts that fit me before I went do not fit me anymore. My pants *are* tighter. I can feel the skin on my stomach stretching when I move and that tells me my belly got bigger.

And I do appear to be expanding. I've been eating relatively normally since I got back (well, heavy/normally) and I'm getting a little bigger each day. I haven't had time to update the spreadsheet since I got back but I'm hoping to get back on it. I found it very helpful when I was wondering just how much more I needed to consume in a day.

That being said, I guess it takes longer than I thought to actually put on the weight in any meaningful way.

I'm baffled, a bit, but not beaten.

So my strategy for the next little while is to keep up

24 September 2009

So yesterday I managed 4500 cals. Feeling rather bloaty today but more than up to the challenge...

The key here is to keep up the momentum.

Here's to another 4500 today!

2009 September 23

Oh I've been a baaad boy. It's been more than a month since my last post and for that I do apologise.

I managed to acquire some new hardware (recent model laptop that was cheap). Hmm. That makes it sound like I bought stolen goods. I didn't. You'll just have to trust me on this.

Not sure how I'm liking this keyboard but I'm happy for the privacy. I have a feeling I'm going to be posting much more frequently.

So updates...let's see. I've managed to regain all the weight I lost over the summer. I'm back to where I was in the Spring. Now this may sound like not much progress but actually it is. Usually in September I'm sitting at about 180 lbs and then work to gain from there. This year I'm at a comfortable 190 lbs (this does seem to be the new default that I keep coming back to - I guess getting older is useful in some ways other than just experience!).

I know this sounds like the same old song played over and over again but, like, holy crap...I'm bound and determined to beat this 200 lb mark. This year *has* to be the year. It's getting ridiculous. Last winter I was close...really close...at 196 and then stuff happened and well...like I said, same old story different day.

The weight I've managed to hang onto has settled very solidly around my middle. Even down in the low 180's I still kept most of my belly and there's no question that I'm consistently being fatter.

I really do like the way things are shaping up and now that it's cooling off (gaining in hot weather sucks, which is why I usually fall off the bandwagon in the summertime) I'm gearing up for a new season of gaining.

I've developed a fairly complicated spreadsheet with calorie/fat/carb/protein values for many of the things I eat everyday. I'm trying to get equal fat/protein with increased carbs. This has worked well in the past for me.

What I like best about the spreadsheet is that everything is all linked together. I plug in what I ate (or plan to eat) and it calculates, based on my present weight, how much I need to eat to maintain what I've got. As I put in different values (example 20 almonds instead of 10) it tells me how many extra calories I've taken in and there's a calculation to show how much I stand to gain as a result.

Using this I can actually plan my eating for the day for optimum gain. I know it sounds anal but if I just adopt the "eat until you drop" mode, I find I binge for a few days and then feel so sick that I don't each much for the next few days and end up not gaining anything. Slow and steady is what works, at least for me.

So right now I've got it set for 4000 calories per day. If I eat that much, every day, I will gain a pound every three days. That's 10 pounds in a month. That means, even accounting for the fact that if I continue to just eat 4000 calories every day (gaining less as I get fatter because the heavier you are the more calories you burn), I will reach my target weight of 250 lbs in 182 days or 6 months.

If I bump it up just 500 cals to 4500 calories per day, I'm looking at approximately 4 months. 5000 calories per day makes just over 3 months. At 7500 calories per day I could be there in as little as 6 weeks. 10,000 a day would get me there in 29 days. Just on a lark, I typed in 33,000 calories which is, from a documentary I saw a little while ago, the daily average intake for three super morbidly obese people. If I followed that diet, I would gain that 60 pounds in just a week. I'd probably also be dead because I suspect one really has to work up to those numbers just in terms of stretching out one's stomach capacity. And, I honestly don't know how a single human can digest that quantity of food every day.

I know I can't. Last year I made it my goal to eat 5000 calories in a single day. It was a stretch for me (I'm still a total lightweight) but I managed it. I don't think I could have done it five days in a row at that point. Let alone numbers in the 5 digits.

But really objectively looking at what I need to eat in a day is helping me conceptualize and pace myself.

So anyway...the journey begins...again....

5 August 2009

So we took a trip to a hot and dusty place (35C+ during the day and about 25C at night). Worked my butt off, literally. Came home and much to my chagrin, discovered I'm down to 185lbs.

I am *not* happy. I *am*, however, eating like crazy to catch up.

I'll keep you posted.

20 July 2009

So I guess it's not as bad as all that - I'm at 190 lbs currently. Not much gain but not much lost either.

I'm going away for a few weeks - lots of activity, walking, heavy work. Not sure how it will impact things. I'm going to try and eat as much as I can so as to minimize the "damage".

But, like I said before, I find it much harder to gain in the summer. The heat and humidity make it hard to really eat. I porked out a couple of weeks ago and felt like I was going to die....a little bit anyway.

So, "maintain" is the word of the day...

6 July 2009

Yes, I've been bad about posting to the blog. Seems like summertime gets so busy with the longer days and warmer weather.

I'm afraid it's going to be slim pickings here for awhile. October, November, that seems to be when the "gainer bug" really hits. Also, the days get shorter, there's less to do, more time to blog.

Update so far: not much since the last post. I may be the worst gainer ever. On the plus side, I've lost very little (if any) weight. I feel slimmer but the scale doesn't lie. I think I'm just getting used to being fatter.

So in a way that's progress of a kind. Usually by this time of summer I'm back down below 180 because I get busy and forget to eat. I figure if I can at least maintain what I've done over the winter, I should be set up well for the coming gaining year.

1 June 2009

Well talk about a hot gaining moment...

This week we installed security cameras where I work and for the first time I was able to get a good look at myself as other people see me - from all angles and from a distance.

I had no idea much I've gained, truly, until that point. I mean, it's like I was seeing progress here and there, bigger belly, thighs, etc. but never really put it all together until I saw the footage and it's like "there's a guy with some weight on him".

I'm not exactly what you'd call huge...yet...but I'm definitely not what you'd call skinny anymore. And while I see how much I've gained, I'm getting a pretty good idea of how much farther I need to go.

I've been lazy the last little while. I was 196 but I've dropped back down to 192. It seems I really have to focus on eating more. I'm not sure if a structured diet would help. I mean, it would help, but I'm not sure how disciplined I would be at following it.

On the plus side, I'm about to come into some money - it should impact my eating habits (ie. I'll be able to afford more than beans and rice...)

11 May 2009

196 pounds!

I could tell I was getting fatter this week but I had no idea it was this much...

I can't even express how indescribably good I feel right now.

10 May 2009

So I'm back to actively gaining after a few weeks of...well...not much.

After all I've eaten the last few days, I do believe I will be up to 193 lbs by tomorrow. I feel the familiar itch that says my belly is swelling again...

The plan now is to keep the momentum going, to consistently overeat by at least 500 calories every day. I'm planning to gain a pound a week (modest but much more do-able than a dramatically fast gain). Recently I've discovered McDonald's chocolate shakes. 1200 cals of fat and sugar for about three dollars...who could ask for more?

I've given it a lot of thought and have decided to aim for 250 lbs. I've looked at pictures of other guys about my height and think the ones who are around 250 are what I want to look like: chunky all over with a big round belly.

Even though right now I'm fatter than I've ever been in my life, I feel so skinny.

When I run my hands over my belly, I can feel how much more solid it's getting, how it's starting to rest on the tops of my thighs when I sit, and how it's really starting to make itself known when I try to bend over to pick stuff up...but still, I try to imagine what it's going to be like, what my whole body's going to be like, after I gain more than 50 pounds.

A very long time ago, in my early twenties, I weighed about 130 lbs. I can see the incredible diffrerence putting on that first fifty pounds has made (people who knew me in college don't recognize me now). I know the next fifty is going to be equally dramatic. I am simultaneously very excited thinking about this but also, somewhere very deep inside of me feels that this is just so *right*. The heavier I get, the more I feel like I'm becoming what I was supposed to be all along...

7 May 2009

Wow! I can't believe it's May already. I have no idea where April went. I don't even think I got to post anything here during the entire month!

Status update for anyone who is curious: things are about the same, physically. If anything, I lost a couple of pounds.

Then one day last week I had a big breakfast, big lunch and then out for a (big) dinner. Woke up the next morning with that familiar firmness in the belly that means I'm starting to fill out again...and decided I'm just not willing to plateau at 192 lbs.

Also, I think I already crossed a threshold a few months ago when I went from relatively slim to having a belly that I just couldn't disguise or suck in and make disappear.

I admit it's taken me some time to get used to the extra bulk. I realize I'm still a real lightweight compared to some but I *do* notice a difference when I bend over. There is most definitely more bulk around my middle. And when I run...I jiggle.

Anyway, now that I've crossed the line from "skinny fat" to "becoming noticeably chunkier", somehow it's easier to grasp the idea that now that I actually *have* a belly (and the world didn't end), it's going to be easier to grow it.

Part of my problem is that I'm somewhat of a coward. I'm in a stable, long term relationship with somone to whom I have *not* shared that I'm getting fat on purpose. One thing is that my parter is quite heavy (but not a gainer) and has issues of his own around weight.

That being said, he doesn't appear to mind the fact that I'm getting rounder. He's taken to coming up behind me, putting his arms around me and rubbing my belly. Which is great, except that I'm really ticklish.

At any rate, I think that if he were utterly repulsed, he wouldn't go out of his way to engage me that way. And there have not been any of the comments like "gee, you're getting porky, go on a diet". If anything, following his cues with food (lots of butter, etc) has helped me get fatter!

So anyway, I know at some point we're going to have to have "the conversation". I realize it's kind of passive aggressive to just keep gaining until he's forced to bring it up but I guess I'm hoping as I gain he'll discover he likes the heavier aspect of me. I'm kind of playing it by ear at this point because I just can't think of how to start this conversation without it sounding incredibly bizarre.

And yet I can share these thoughts with the rest of the world - most of whom are complete strangers. Go figure.

31 March 2009

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the planet...

I realize it's been more than I month since I've written anything here. I think I fell into a late winter "funk". Felt sort of sick, achey for weeks. Not really sick enough to stay home but sick enough to just make every single day drrraaagggg...

I stopped with the herbal stuff the last week of February, wondering if that's what was messing me up. I'm still not sure - I do know it was making me quite sluggish. I think part of the gaining effect was caused by slowing down the metabolism. I'm just going au naturel for right now to get things back into synch.

Not much to report on the gaining front. I haven't been eating more than usual but haven't actually lost anything. Things are about the same.

I'm starting to get used to being bigger - it not longer surprises me when I move a certain way and realize that wow...that bulge wasn't there before.

I wouldn't have believed that gaining so little weight (relatively speaking) would make me feel so different.

Anyhoo...just taking things slow for now...

19 Feb 2009

So as of today I'm 193 lbs. I think I look tubbier. I know I *feel* tubbier...

15 February 09

As of yesterday I'm 192 lbs.

I have not developed the ravenous appetite (yet). Just been eating as I have been, which appears to be enough to cause a slow steady gain. I've definitely got the belly back that I had before Christmas and if anything, I think it's a little bigger than before. I know. This isn't exactly news.

I'm feeling a little frustrated at my lack of progress. I'm not sure what to expect from this tincture. I can feel a difference but it's subtle. I know that about an hour after taking it I get hungry. This could be all in my mind - I know it's still too early to get the "ravenous hunger" that's supposed to set in about Week 3 (I've only been taking this for about ten days and I'm not even sure if I'm taking enough).

I'm kind of excited to think about what could happen. What would it be like, for example, to gain 20 lbs in a month? And what if I was able to that up for, say, three months?

All of the sudden I'd be 250 lbs. No question about it, I'd be (at least for me) really fat. Just like that.

It's something to think about...

9 February 09

Well it's been five days since I started with the tincture.

I've been upping it to one teaspoon per day, with a water chaser. I think I'm going to have to strain out the bits and just premix the stuff with water. It's just too alcoholic and I find I don't like the way it burns all the way down.

As for effects...well, when I run my hand over my belly, it's definitely feeling fuller and firmer than it was before, kind of like the gain you get after a few days of bingeing. I haven't really been doing anything different, just eating when I'm hungry.

The only thing that really feels different is that now, when I get hungry, I'm instantly starving. When I eat, however, it only takes a regular amount of food to make me feel full.

I haven't really been keeping track of exactly how much I'm eating as compared to before. I suspect I'm eating reasonable amounts of food...but more often throughout the day.

This would explain why it feels like I'm getting rounder. Which I guess means this approach is working (yaay!) What's weird is that I haven't noticed any appetite dampening effects, which is in all the literature. My appetite appears to be normal, or if anything, a little enhanced.

Should be very interesting to see what happens in a few weeks when my appetite is supposed to go into overdrive and the real gaining begins.

4 February

And so the experiment begins...

Although the tincture has only be brewing for 24 hours I decided to have a taste. And let me tell you, it's bad. Think of the worst Scotch you've ever had. Then add some cat pee. And you might be close.

I tried a half a teaspon and I'm glad I didn't have any more. It really, really burned. I'm thinking it's because of the EverClear (90% pure alcohol). Once the tincture is ready, I think I'm going to strain it and dilute by 50% because I don't think my tongue could handle another hit like that.

Whew.

On another note, comments for this blog are moderated. This means any comments left stay in limbo until I log into my e-mail account and give them the "okay". So if you leave a comment and you don't see it right away...never fear. It'll show up eventually. Unless it's truly mean or viciously ignorant. Then I'll just delete it. Well, I might privately mock you first.

3 February 2009

Wow...where is the time going...it's February already!

I'm still stuck on my plateau. I've been eating lots, though not as much as I was in November. I'm excercising a lot too, which is probably working against me. I find if I don't exercise enough I feel really awful and this time of year I need to do everything I can to fight off the depression that comes from it being fully dark by 5 pm every night.

So I'm going to try an experiment that sounds quite promising.

There is an herb from Native lore that can be used for weight loss for a short time. It apparently kills the appetite, you don't want to eat, and you drop some pounds as a result.

I know, you're thinking "weight loss, what the heck is this guy talking about?"

Well, here's the thing. It's documented that after two or three weeks of ingesting this stuff on a daily basis there's a dramatic reversal, you get a ravenous appetite and not only do you regain everything you lost up to that point, but you gain a bunch more weight on top of that.

I couldn't find any research to say how much more but they do say it's enough that anyone using this herb to diet excessively is in for a big surprise.

There's also research that suggests that this herb actually changes the body's metabolism and encourages it to store more of what is eaten as fat.

Anyway, I'm not divulging what this herb is for a couple of reasons. The first is because it's not a controlled substance and is known for other health benefits in the holistic healing world, cannot be cultivated well as a crop (is only found in a few wilderness habitats) and as a result is in danger of being over harvested.

The second is this: I'm reasonably comfortable with the risks involved but I sure as heck don't want someone who reads this to try it, have a bad reaction or something and be injured as a result of something I've written.

Anyway, I'll keep you all posted as to how this turns out.

For starters, tonight I managed to secure about three ounces of the dried plant. I'm going to attempt to make a tincture from it with alcohol (Everclear was all I could find that would fit the bill). So we'll see what happens...

26 January 2009

Well as of today I'm officially back to 190 lbs...

I'd upload a picture or two but my stupid camera's batteries are dead and do you think there's an AA battery to be found anywhere in sight?

Anyway...

It seems that more of the gain this time has settled above my navel - there's definitely more bulk on the upper part of my belly. And I really do think less has gone to my butt this time.

My pants feel looser than they were in early December (last time I was this heavy) but all my shirts feel tighter. So it's not very scientific but there it is...

And I admit I'm getting quite distracted by the feeling of my belly stretching out all my t-shirts. I'll move just the right way and the cloth will bind over the widest part of my belly and I just have to stop for a second to appreciate the new sensation. Makes it hard to concentrate at work sometimes...

It's odd, too, that in one sense the more I gain, the less fat I feel. I think it's because I'm at the point that I've gained back enough that I've reached the limit of my skin's stretchyness. Even a couple of weeks ago I was jiggling like crazy when I walked. Now there's a lot less belly movement and yet when I run my hands down my belly, I can feel how swollen it's become.

Sadly, it being Jan 26 already, I really don't see me being able to reach my goal of 200lbs this month. It was starting to make me crazy that I'm always so close but never actually able to reach it.

I've decided to relax and just let it happen when it will.

And it *is* happening. I've managed to regain a fair amount of weight over the last month by not doing too much in particular (ie. no huge binge gaining days). I've just trained myself to eat more than I strictly need. Also, I think the body has a memory for fatness - once you get to a certain weight, the body is always going to want to get back up to that weight. I think that could be one of the reasons it's so hard for dieters to keep the weight off.

But who knows...I'm certainly no scientist. I'm just saying what I think.

Anyway...I'm off to have some lunch...

15 January 2009

Argh...I've plateaued at 189...

My belly's right about where it was at before. It's not feeling loose anymore but instead is firm and tight which I guess means it's swollen back out to maximum size.

The trick now is to add to it...

I've been eating a fair bit lately but I'll guess I'll have to ramp it up a bit. I'm tired of being this skinny (though back when I was only 150lbs, what I weigh now would have seemed enormous)

There's a little more money now for extras like fast food. And I did just stock up on some staples like rice. And chocolate. Mmmm...chocolate.

So, not much to report now in terms of any spectacular gains.

I expect progress soon, though. Things have slowed down enough now that I actually had a day off today (the third such day off in the last seven weeks) and I'm actually feeling a little crazed by the lack of stress. I know. Sounds odd. But it's like I've been moving like crazy for almost two months, dealing with all kinds of stuff being thrown at me and now...there's this ringing silence that I just don't know what to do with.

So I guess I'll go eat something...

9 January 2009

Well, I've been eating as much as I can and it's showing.

I think I'm about back to where I was before all hell broke loose in early December. My belly is starting to feel tight again, as are my love handles. I take that as a sign that I'm getting close to my all time high weight.

I'm still a little in the dark about my actual weight. I think I need to get a new scale because the one I currently have is kind of a rip off. I thought I was buying a digital scale. And it is, sort of. The readout is red digital numbers, however, the mechanics of the the scale itself are old school. It sounds exactly the same as my former, non digital scale when I step on it (I can hear the springs or flywheel or whatever device that's in there moving).

But that being said, I'm really starting to round out again. I'm going for a sustained, moderate gain right now. Things have quieted down enough workwise to enable this, however, I just don't quite have the time to really pig out and crash for a few days.

I am feeling motivated right now. When I lost that weight in December it felt like I lost a piece of myself (and I guess, literally, I had). Gaining the weight back feels like coming home, like I'm making myself right again.

But I know I'm not quite there yet. I look at myself in the mirror and, even though I've got a good start at a belly, I feel that I'll look and feel so much better when I'm fatter.

In the last entry I referenced a guy whose picture I'd seen that blew my socks off. I don't think it's ethical to post his picture here (I don't have rights to it) but he's currently the topic of "My Gain" on the Bellybuilders messageboard.

I know this sounds kind of sad to compare, but some of his later shots (Page 4 or 5 of the thread)...that's where I want to be. I'm not sure what weight that will be for me (he says he's 215lbs there but I estimate him to be about 5 '11" based on a reference he made to his weight and BMI).

So to further myself toward that goal, I'm just going to keep eating and eating.

I'll post more pictures once I start making some forward progress (I didn't see much point posting pictures of me losing ground)...

4 January 2009

Well it's back into a relatively regular routine of working only one job.

A recent cold snap put the brakes on any kind of outings other than work. I'm not even sure if the car will start - it's currently that car shaped mound of snow out front of my house. At some point I will actually have to go somewhere the buses don't and I'll have to go out there and shovel the car back into the daylight.

Better news is that I've managed to regain at least two of those lost pounds. Possibly three (did I mention I have a crappy scale?).

For what it's worth, I *feel* like I'm filling out again. Hopefully soon I'll be back in a growth situation instead of simply "re-growth".

Tonight I saw some pictures of a guy online, also a gainer, who has reached 215 lbs. He looks a lot like me (well, his torso anyway, because that's all you can see) but fatter. I can totally see that guy's belly on my body. In fact, the mere thought of having a belly so full and round is motivating me, even though I have just had dinner, to go have a bite to eat just so I can be that much closer to making this a reality.